¡VIVA RIVAS!

Dear Fenway “Green Monster” Park,

It’s obvious after today’s game that Torii Hunter needs you about as much as Bill Buckner does – they’re both liable to come away hobbled simply by stepping foot on your hallowed belly.

Of course, you would strike Hunter down with some strange bounce of the ball, or by sticking out your wall as Torii leaps up against you. Buckner? He’d just get pounded by the fans. (Thankfully, the Sox finally won in 2004, so might survive with only a flesh wound.)

Seriously, what do you have against Torii, Green Monster? I know he hit that home run over you today, but was that worth the punishment of a foul ball off his ravaged ankle?

How can you not love the effervescent smile, the sunny personality...his motivational tactics? You know, he took a swing at Justin Morneau late last year, and now the big Canadian is an MVP candidate. Torii is a team-first kind of player. Can’t you respect that?

Here's my beef with you, Green Monster: You want to witness the demise of Torii first-hand and you’re not even bothering to hide it. That makes me miffed. First, you break his ankle last year -- how can anyone forget the tears in Torii’s eyes as he was carted of the field? Heartbreaking. And now in his first game in Fenway since the "accident," you move the ball just a fraction of an inch at the very moment Torii swings, and and he fouls it off his creaky foot.

As Torii collapsed in a heap, I’m pretty sure I read his lips as he said, “A million curses to you and your family, Green Monster!” OK, that's not true. I think he pulled a Blyleven. But he was probably silently cursing your family -- except that you have none. Ebbets Field long ago left for ballpark heaven, and even old Tiger Stadium's swimming with the fishes. Fact is, Green Monster, you're nothing but an old, cranky, bitter curmudgeonly bastard with nothing better to do than pick on brave Spidermen.

Mr. Monster, I'll give it to you straight: This just isn't right. Torii busted his butt to come back to help his team reach the playoffs. Don’t think he forgot what happened last year when he went down after your hack job. The team fell into complete chaos. He wasn’t about to let the team collapse again in his absence. No sir, if the team is to sink, it will do so with Capt. Hunter at the helm.

So after playing on a stress fracture for several months, Torii took a few weeks off and came back too early, even though he knew some rabid Twins fans would yell, “Torii sucks at the plate, and now he can’t even play defense! Sit Torii down; he’s done, washed up, kaput! And, oh yeah, you suck Gardy!”

Ah, but only Torii knows the full courage in his heart. He knew that even with a bum ankle, he’d come up clutch at the plate time and time again, beginning with shutting up Hawk Harrelson once and for all with that 3-run shot last month with his team down 4-0 in the sixth.

Here, let me speak your language, Mean Green: Torii Hunter = Jason Varitek. Do. Not. Touch. Got it? Better yet, when the irresistible urge to injure our centerfielder tomorrow builds up, ask yourself, “What Would Metrodome Do?”

W.W.M.D., Green Monster, W.W.M.D.

Sincerely,
V. Rivas

P.S. Stay away from Matt Garza. The team already lost Liriano, and Radke looks iffy. Seriously, no more kidney shots. (W.W.M.D.?)